Saturday, December 17, 2011

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Real People Real BDSM - a little S/m and bondage can work wonders

The latest true story in our series.
By Arianna
I think I was probably born with an inclination toward BDSM. My first sexual fantasies involved bondage and discipline before I even knew what it meant. But I was brought up where abstinence was the only path. My mom had me when she was very young so she scared me away from boys and sex to keep me from making the same mistake. It worked (though I don't advocate it), but I went into marriage with very little knowledge of sex, and more importantly, what I like, need, and want.
I was a blushing virgin on our honeymoon. Sex started off bad right away. The stress and anticipation made it hurt even more. I wasn't turned on by the regular routine of vanilla sex. When I fantasized, it was always about BDSM though I didn't know it. As long as I can remember, I had an interesting relationship with pain. I didn't go out of my way to hurt myself, but when I did, it fascinated me. I was the kid that pushed on bruises, picked at scabs, laughed when I got hurt instead of crying. When my sexual fantasies started involving pain, domination, control, being tied up and helpless, I thought I was weird. A freak. Something was wrong with me for wanting these things. I didn't know anyone else like me. I didn't watch porn or read erotic books to know this was normal.
For six years I kept my fantasies secret, scared my husband would be disgusted by my desires. I was petrified he'd reject me. During that time, sex was a chore. An obligation I rarely enjoyed. Sometimes I even hated it. When we had kids, we pretty much stopped having sex all together. Though our marriage has always been strong, there was a big hole missing. One neither of us knew how to fix. I accepted the fact that we were sexually incompatible. He was formulaic and passive. I wanted aggressive and creative.
After our 6th year of marriage, I started reading erotic novels. I realized that I'm not actually a freak for wanting to be tied up. And not even for wanting to mix pain with pleasure. There were lots of people like me who had satisfying sex lives (with their spouses even!), but that I had to be open and honest about my needs. It was very, very hard to tell my husband. Again, we go back to fear of rejection.
How do you tell the person you love that you want to be tied down and spanked? It wasn't as if I was interviewing a sexual partner, or a dom. This was my husband. He was it. There were no other candidates if he thought it was crazy. So I did it in stages.
First, I felt him out a little by telling him about the books I was reading. I used the acronym BDSM then studied his face to see if he would flinch or grimace. I should've known he wouldn't. After years of barely getting any action, I think he would have agreed to anything at that point if it got me off. There's a strategy for those of you with reluctant partners. Deprivation! Okay, kidding. But he was VERY interested in what I was reading. He wanted to know what turned me on.
Remember, most men want to please their women. It's a big turn on for them to know they can get their woman going. You have to appeal to their ego. So I think he was hoping for some clues in what I was reading. So I asked him if he'd like to try some bondage. He said, with a big grin, "okay!"
Things happened relatively quickly after that. He saw how responsive I was to being tied up, which encouraged him to keep going.
Here's a tip. Eager spouses: give your reluctant ones lots of praise and positive reinforcement for doing things you like. It's like training a puppy. Then they know what to keep doing.
After a few bondage sessions, I got even braver and asked him to spank me. Impact play is a huge turn on for me but I wasn't sure he'd like the idea of hitting me. Again, I battled insecurity. Now would he think I was a freak? Most partners, even in vanilla relationships, will tie each others hands once in a while. But I wanted to take it a step further. I wanted him to hurt me. But when I told him it would turn me on, he agreed.
He started off too light, just a few swats here and there. But I needed more. Since I couldn't look him in the eye and say, "I want you to spank me till I'm writhing and yelping and my ass is bright red" (Lol!), I texted him instead.
Here's another tip. Men like dirty texts! I told him exactly what I wanted him to do to me, how hot it would make me, and appealed to his ego that he's da man! He followed my instructions (with a few small changes here and there) and, again, I made sure to tell him how awesome he is after (positive reinforcement!).
The impact play was a more difficult balance to find. Mixing pain with pleasure is a fine line. Figuring out just the right implement, strength, length took a little practice. Yes, he hit me too hard once with the belt and I had a very painful welt to show for it. But everyone is entitled to mistakes. We're still learning each other, but also ourselves. Now that we've been at it a little while, we've both been surprised to realize my husband is growing to love BDSM too. At first, he was just doing it for me. But now we've found a bit of a sadistic streak in him. Not to mention some very clear dom potential.
We've come a long way in these last several months of integrating BDSM into our life. I started off forming the scenes, taking control even though he was the top, or the one tying me up, etc. I said where, how, what implement, etc. This is called topping from the bottom. But it was okay with me because he needed the confidence and direction.
Now that he knows what I like, he's naturally started to take the lead more. And I'm (sometimes reluctantly) giving up control. We could probably still be classified as a top/bottom relationship, but I wonder if we'll end up dom/sub at some point down the road.
The good thing is we both have a sense of humor and don't take things too seriously. BDSM is different for every couple. We will always be playful about it (yes, even when he's smacking my ass for being mouthy), it's just the way we are. Wherever our journey takes us, we'll always be us. A silly, loving, affection couple of smart-asses.
My advice is similar to what everyone else here has said: communication and honesty. It's hard to put yourself out there. It's a huge risk. But, hopefully, the person you are asking to try this with loves you.
If so, they will accept this part of you. It won't happen over night. My husband and I had a few down and dirty talks where I'd end up in tears and he'd be frustrated, trying to understand why I needed this and what I got out of it. Remember, this is a give and take. All relationships require some amount of sacrifice. That goes for the sexual parts too. Especially when you add such specific extras.
BDSM encompasses a lot of stuff. No two people will like the same exact things. So if your partner is going along with your tastes, make sure you're going along with theirs too. I'll give you an example. I don't like talking dirty. It's uncomfortable and makes me feel kinda silly. But my husband loves it. He orders me to tell him in graphic terms what I want, and even though it's not my favorite thing, I do it because I know he loves it. I let him have that.
The most important tip I can give someone is DO NOT COMPARE! Your partner will never be like your fantasies, or like the books you read. Your scenes will not always be as smooth and perfect as what you read in books. We are not fictional characters. We are real and this is a journey of trial and error.
I saw a picture of a certain bondage position I wanted to try. I asked my husband to do it to me. It was extremely erotic and very hot and he loved it. Unfortunately it was the most uncomfortable position in the world and I lasted about 5 minutes before my fingers were going numb. I'll tell you, yelling, "ow! my fingers are numb, let me loose!" is not how I imagined this scene going. But we laughed and adjusted and kept going because that's real life. Trial and error.
Laugh at your mistakes - yes, even if your partner hits you too hard with the belt. Well, you might want to curse for a few seconds first. And don't forget your safeword. If you have a reluctant spouse, have patience. Accept where they're at, just as you want to be accepted. It's a journey. It can be exciting and fun and sexy and funny, but the important thing is you're doing it together.
As Ariana says -- Safe Sane and Consensual

Saying a safeword isn't always necessary if you and your partner understand each other well. it safe if you aren't sure.
And my website -- but I write fiction so the above will give you a better idea of real BDSM :)

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Monogamy and BDSM

I can honestly say that when I first learned about BDSM, I thought that monogamy was not the norm nor was it common. Shortly after I began writing my first BDSM story Slave, however, I met a couple who was completely monogamous. He had been in the lifestyle for twenty years. She was younger, and had been in the lifestyle for five.

Shortly thereafter, I met another monogamous couple. They’re married with three young children.

So why is it that when most people think about those who live the lifestyle they picture threesomes or large play parties where everyone is playing with everyone else?

After reading a lot of posts, and with what I know of the couples I’ve befriended, I’ve found that the couples in monogamous relationships within the lifestyle tend to be less vocal within the on-line community. They do have a presence, yes, but they tend to get over shadowed by those who are in poly or open relationship.

 The bottom line, as with all good relationships but especially those involving BDSM, is communication. I hear it preached in every on-line lifestyle forum. Guessing and hinting doesn’t work. Both partners have to be on the same page whether that is about limits or about wanting or not wanting a monogamous relationship.

Also ,be clear on what monogamy means to you. Does it mean not having sex with others? Or does it go farther than that and include flirting or play of any kind where others outside the relationship are involved? Don’t assume that your partner knows how you define monogamy. Draw clear lines so that there is no confusion by either partner. What is allowed? What isn’t?

Don’t allow yourself to be pressured into something you don’t want; all that will do is make you unhappy. Many newbies in the lifestyle feel like they will never find someone if monogamy is something they want in a relationship. That couldn’t be farther from the truth. Don’t settle. Go after what you want and need in your relationship.
(Sherri Hayes is the author of one BDSM novel, Slave (Finding Anna Book 1). More information can be found on her blog

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Whew! I can breathe again!

No, I'm not talking about taking off my corset, though breathing in that thing is definitely a challenge. I'm speaking about getting my first review for my BDSM holiday novella, Caught.

Caught was my first attempt at BDSM. I wanted to see if I could write BDSM and I figured a novella was the way to do it. So I picked an easy theme - what goes better than the holidays and BDSM - *snort*, wrote it, turned it in to Loose Id, squealed when they accepted it, and then held my breath for months as it went through edits without anyone screaming, "You hack! I can't believe you wrote that!". When final edits were done I sent it out for review, just like I send out all my manuscripts. But this time I included a few review sites who specialize in BDSM. Then I held my breath again. I was pretty blue by this time...

Well, last night, the first pre-review e-mail came in. The reviewer said she read it straight through in one session and loved it. I grinned like a hyena and actually interrupted my husband while he was working to tell him, "She liked me! She really liked me!". I think he may have patted me on the head, but I was too freaking excited that an actual reviewer hadn't hated it that I didn't even notice. Can you tell I've been a little nervous about this story?

I wish I could show you the cover art, because I'm sure it's going to be fabulous, but I don't have it yet. Eek! Hopefully you enjoyed this little slice of the writer's life.

Caught will release from Loose Id on December 13, 2011. It's on the "Coming Soon" page as a placeholder at As soon as the cover art is approved it will go up on that page.

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Friends to Lovers - a D/s relationship with friendship at its heart

Some definitions of Dominance/ submission are here

At its core : "Dominance and submission (also called D&s, Ds, and D/s) is a set of behaviors, customs and rituals involving the giving by one individual to another individual of control over them in an erotic episode or as a lifestyle."

But essentially this is about two people’s own interpretation. Theirs is a simple and beautiful relationship.

This is another true story revolving around how BDSM has helped a marriage. B will tell the story.

So here we go…

Here’s some background about us:

J & I met over 18 years ago, in the end of 1993, the beginning of our junior year of high school. We became best friends right away and He fell in love with me, though I only wanted to be friends. At one point, we tried what I called “friends with a twist” but I soon ended it because I didn’t want to lose His friendship, which I ended up doing anyways. We were barely speaking by graduation (95), saw each other on and off until the last time in (02/97). Fast forward to 10/04, my ex had walked out almost 2 years prior and I was lonely and looking for friends only. I decided to look up J, and found a man who had been in love with me all that time. We’ve been together ever since. Our sex life has never been completely vanilla, from day two (literally) we’ve been open and very sexual with each other. We’ve always had a very very active life, and it even gets more so, even after 7+ years.

I know your marriage has only recently changed to become a D/s relationship, can you tell us what made you begin to consider this? I'm also curious as to whether either of you can recall any feelings or thoughts before this that leaned toward Dominance or submissiveness?

I was the one to bring up D/s to my Husband. I had been into reading some erotica and stumbled upon an author that I really enjoyed the series I was reading (not D/s) so I decided to read all her books and started to read about D/s. the thought of BDSM had always been something that was taboo to me, too off, too much, too weird. But when I learned about D/s on its own, I was intrigued. I especially liked the parts where the sub would sit at her master’s feet, or have her eyes downcast and be kneeling in other parts. After reading for a while, I brought it up to J, about how certain things were turning me on. He was surprised that I liked what I was reading, and asked me more about it. I explained to Him what it meant for a Dominant to take care of His sub, how and why that appealed to me, what I liked about some things that were considered the norm in a D/s relationship.

Looking back now, I can see that in a relationship, I have always preferred to be submissive. I have always tried to put my man first. An example I like to use a lot is that we would play the game “what do you want tonight for dinner? I don’t care, what do you want? Whatever you want. I HATED that, I always have. If I have an opinion, I would state it, otherwise, I truly in my heart wanted to do only what my Husband wanted to do. I wanted to put His needs, His wants, His desires in front of my own. That makes me happiest. I always enjoyed doing little things to make Him happy.

How and why did you begin changing the structure of your marriage. I'd love to know about communication and discussions you may have had because that seems to be a key point mentioned in other marriages like this.

If I remember correctly, our change was slow and subtle at first. At first, neither of us really understood much, I just knew there were things that appealed to me. I didn’t know how to try anything out without saying “do this, try this”. I somehow knew that that was still being in control, which I didn’t want. What I remember once, in the beginning, is when we sat down to watch TV one night, instead of sitting in my usual spot, I brought over a pillow and blanket and sat at His feet. As we sat there and watched some mindless show, He stroked my hair as I laid my head on His leg, and it was the most content I had felt in a long time.

Talking, as we always do, we decided that we wanted to try some D/s in the bedroom only. I trust Him with my whole being and I knew He’d never do anything to hurt me. After assuring Him that I wanted Him to take control of our sex life, He did one day and our sex life exploded. He took over all control sexually. He said when/where/how we would have sex. I wasn’t to ever say no. He did, however, still want me to initiate, but at the time I just enjoyed His lead.

We enjoyed 2 months of sexual D/s with both of us starting to read more about the lifestyle and learning more about it, both together and separately. With each new thing we learned about, we talked about whether we wanted to try it or not. with new things, when we would try it, we would talk about it a few days later after we both were able to reflect on it, and we’d say if it worked or if it didn’t, if it was something we wanted to keep or not. We are completely open with each other and share absolutely everything, so it is easy for us to speak of any and everything. It’s easy for either of us to say “hey, let’s try this” or “what do you think about this” and then we will discuss it, try it and see if we want to keep with it or not.

Soon after, I started wanting more and more. I found myself wanting to let go of all thing and let Him take control. I had taken care of things for so long, since my ex had left, and I was tired of carrying around all the worries and all the stress. I just wanted to let go and not stress anymore. In July, He decided to take that control, and we entered a 24/7 D/s Lifestyle.

Can you see yourselves continuing your marriage in the same way in the future?

Oh yes. I think this is a lifestyle change for us. It’s who we are now, not what we do. We’ve always had a slight element of it, looking back, in our relationship. It’s natural and comfortable to us. Our D/s seems to be a little bit different of a dynamic than what we see others in, even other 24/7 couples. I’m unsure if this is because we knew each other and were married, then grew into our kink together, or if it’s just because we’re weird.

For us, our D/s relationship means He’s in charge. He makes all decisions, in and out of the bedroom. But I am always able to speak my mind. If He wants sex, but I’m not feeling well, I can tell Him. He makes the decision on what we will do or not do, but more often than not, He’ll respect that I’m not up to par and He’ll wait. We are equals in every way. I have chosen to give up my control in all things, but He still wants me to be me. He does not micromanage me. I am able to do what I want, when I want, with the exception of orgasms (He controls those at all times). There are times that He will give me something specific to do, and I like those times, as it’s a little extra way of Him exerting His dominance. I only have 3 rules, trust Him, obey Him, and cannot cum without His permission. He takes care of the big things, He works to pay the bills, He carries the big stress and worries. I do the little things to take care of Him. I have dinner ready or near ready when He comes in. I have the place cleaned. I set out His clothes, and will start His shower. I anticipate His needs and try to do or get things before He asks for them. I’m here for Him to take sexually, whenever He wants. I’m His.

Is there any advice you'd give other couples?

The advice I would give other couples is to be completely open in EVERYTHING with your partner. I’m always saddened when I see people posting places that they are unable, in whatever way, be it shyness or fear or whatever, to share their fantasies and desires with their partner. I don’t understand it, though I previously was in that kind of relationship myself. Now that I’ve been with my Husband, I don’t know how I ever managed like that. He and I share everything. If it’s a random thought in my head, I share it. We talk, pretty much nonstop. We are always talking, sharing, just being together and being close. There’s a community that I go to, and there are people there saying that they are bored with sex after 2 years, or even just a few months. It is a shame to me. We are 7 years in and still going strong. We are hornier now than ever for each other. Sex is always wonderful, fresh and new, each time.

Just to put their story in perspective here is an extra message B sent me after I read her story because she was worried about whether she'd written enough.

I kept trying and trying to make it better. I just don't feel like I do us justice, because we are just so amazing. lol. Our sex life and love life are just really out of a fairy tale. Our "real" life hasn't been kind and it's amazing the things we've survived and we thrive through. It’s hard to really get the pureness of what we share. It’s pretty awesome. :)

A link to a good information site about BDSM

I'm an author who is (obviously) fascinated by BDSM. My website:

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Creativity Dom Style

One of the things I find fascinating in BDSM is the creativity. Not only does it spice things up when it comes to play, but it also makes punishments/correction more personal. I had a Dom tell me once that spankings are fine for general infractions, but specific crimes are better corrected with specific punishments. It was something that has stuck with me and that I use in my writing.

A submissive friend of mine once told me that she used to have a problem with mouthing off to her Dom. If you know anything about most Doms, that is something most don't take kindly too and usually don't allow to continue for long. Her Dom wasn't any different. Instead of spanking her or giving her some other generic form of punishment, he drove his point home by having her hold a live goldfish in her mouth. She recalled to me how it felt flopping around inside her mouth. The correction was unique, it had relevance to the situation, and it made the point of the importance of controlling her words and tone.

I love using this creativity in my writing. In Slave, Brianna was caught not paying attention, so Stephan took her books away from her. It amazes me how many of my readers who are not in the lifestyle react to this correction. Most were outraged that he would take her book away from her, her most prized possession at the time. But I say to them, that's the point. In order for correction or punishment to be effective, it has to be something that is not pleasant for the submissive. What is taken away or what is done has to be tailored to the individual and the situation because every person is different and no one reacts the same.

How to come up with creative corrections/punishments can be a challenge in and of itself and it takes practice and experience no matter if you are an author writing it or a Dom/me living it. As a writer, however, you have a little more time to think things through as you don't have a naughty sub sitting there waiting for your sentence.

Where to start?

First, you need to look at the overall situation. What is the state of the character's relationship? Have they been together for a while? Has trust been built or is everything still new and tentative?

Once that is established, look at the crime. Was it intentional or a misunderstanding? If a submissive intentionally and with all knowledge breaks a rule, they must be dealt with more harshly than one that has accidentally taken a miss step .

The best punishments are the ones that leave a lasting impression of the lesson. It doesn't matter if it is something as simple as a writing assignment or a cold shower; the point is that it teaches, it corrects, and it deters.

If you are in the lifestyle, have you either given or been given any creative punishments? And authors, what are some of the more creative corrections/punishments you've written?

(Sherri Hayes is the author of one BDSM novel, Slave (Finding Anna Book 1). More information can be found on her blog

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

My first time...

I just had my first time. Did it hurt? A little. But overall, it was one of the most satisfying things I've ever done.

What am I talking about? The first time I wrote a BDSM story, of course! What did you think I meant?

I actually have two BDSM books coming out. The first, Caught, is releasing December 13th from Loose Id. It's a holiday-themed story. How did I manage to blend BDSM with the holidays? Let's just say I do some rude things with candy canes. The second book is titled Impact and will come out in early 2012 from Ellora's Cave. That one has a bull rider hero who doesn't think he can live the BDSM lifestyle on the road.

What made me decide to write a BDSM story? Truthfully, it wasn't how hot the sex would be to write or how popular they are. I wanted to write a BDSM story because I was a psych major in college and whole psychological dynamic is fascinating to me. Yes, I'm a total psych geek. What could be more interesting than figuring out the mind's workings? Don't answer that. ;-)

I plan to further explore this dynamic, along with the physical and emotional facets of BDSM, in further stories. But for now, I've got to get these two books out the door!

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Friends first.

"Well, we've spent four days together doing nothing but working and haven't played once," Sir said with an exhausted smile. "That's like a record or something."

I laughed, because we were both sweaty and dirty and not in the fun way. With His help, a goodly chunk of our bathroom DIY remodel project was completed. Along with some other huge tasks that needed doing that we never would have gotten done without His help. See, He might be my Sir--ironically, He wanted to be more in submissive pup mode over the weekend--but we are first and foremost friends. Nothing else could have happened if He and His wife, and Hubby and myself, weren't all friends. We can all go do vanilla things like go out to dinner, see a movie, or even remodel a bathroom.

I think too many people run afoul in the BDSM world because they let their libido overrule their brain. (Not that this doesn't happen in vanilla-land, but it seems to happen even more in the kinky world.) Yes, I know a few people who have had successful long distance relationships blossom into real-life relationships, but most of the success stories I have personal knowledge of involved people being friends first and then developing their relationships.

I've talked about this before, because it all hinges on trust and respect. But do you honestly like someone, that's a key ingredient. Sure you can be attracted to them, lust for them, but when the whips are put away, when the 9-5 day job calls, can you talk to that person about vanilla stuff? Can you go traipsing across three counties in search of plumbing supplies for a sixty year-old house and have non-kinky stuff (or non-plumbing stuff) to talk about? Can you call that other person not Sir or Daddy or Master or whatever, but first and foremost your friend?

Hubby jokes that Sir and I are twins, and there's a bit of truth to that. We were friends first, with more than a little of a big brother/little sister dynamic. (Albeit teasing-yet-protective big brother and evil-yet-lovable little sister. LOL) If the play dynamic were to end right now, we would still be friends. We're a lot alike in many ways, we have many of the same interests, and we're different enough in all the same ways.

Oh wait, that's a lot like how Hubby and I are too. :) And we're been together over fourteen years now.

Let's face it, this is the same way you should approach any relationship, with friendship being the cornerstone of your dynamic, whether it's vanilla or kinky. Then let nature take its course from there. Don't be so eager to rush things that you lose sight of what you want--and deserve--in a relationship.

(Tymber Dalton is a bestselling author and lifestyle BDSM switch. Her website is )

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Questions, anyone, part deux.

I'm in a mood to be chatty. :) So what BDSM-related questions are flitting around in your brain? Toss me questions in the comments section.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Patience is a virtue.

One of the most commonly asked questions I see on the different BDSM-related email lists and discussion forums I frequent comes from submissives looking for a Dominant. Most of the time from female submissives, although I have seen male submissives asking it as well. "How do I find 'The One' for me?"

It seems that sometimes, when it finally clicks in a submissive's brain what they want, they tend to forget common sense in their pursuit of a D/s dynamic.

I've seen it dubbed "sub frenzy."

It sucks being alone. I know that, I get it. But just like in the vanilla world, relationships aren't something to be rushed into. The good and bad thing about the internet is that it allows people in various parts of the world who might never have met to come together. You can get some stuff out of the way, like learning about each other. But chatting over a computer is not the same thing as meeting in real life. Yes, I do know quite a few people who've met each other online and gone on to have successful real-life relationships. But I also have heard far more stories of online relationships ending badly.

Common sense can fly out the window in the face of bubbling hormones and, body parts. But even moreso than a vanilla relationship, it's extremely important to keep a few things in mind when starting out on a fledgling BDSM relationship. If you can't be friends first, you can't have a D/s dynamic, period.

D/s (Dominant/submissive) is based first and foremost on trust. I don't know about you, but I have yet, in my life, ever been able to trust someone I can't at least be friends with. By trust I mean the kind of trust it takes to engage in BDSM activities, not trusting that the person will give you back exact change on a cup of coffee.

I always tell people find local munches, local groups. I frequently hear, "Oh, I'd be too scared to go." If you're too scared to go to a restaurant where a bunch of people are meeting, how do you ever think you're going to work up the nerve to meet someone safely and get to know them? is the best place to find local events. It's free, it's anonymous, you can pick any username you want. Heck, set up a fake email address you use only for Fetlife if it worries you that much. But instead of worrying about meeting "The One," get to know a group of people. Learn to be comfortable with who YOU are instead of focusing on trying to find someone for you.

Fine and dandy, but what if you do hook up with someone in a long distance relationship? Well, if they try to rush you to do anything, especially if it involves sending them money, do NOT do it. Period. Someone worth their salt will be patient and understand how valuable a trust bond is. Do NOT ignore red flags. Do NOT go somewhere to meet this person without an escape plan. It's preferable they come to you. (They are the Dominant, after all.) Meet for the first time over coffee, in a public place, with a separate way to get out of there. Have a safe call lined up. Better yet, take a friend with you to the meeting. (Again, any Dominant worth their salt will understand.) Even better, make friends with local kinksters in your area, and have the person come to a meeting, such as a munch, where you will have plenty of backup in case you don't like what you see.

There's a fine line between abuse and kink. Kink is always consensual. Abuse is not. If at any time you feel pressured to do something, that is a HUGE red flag you need to listen to. If you have several of your kinky friends expressing misgivings, LISTEN to them. It's not always easy for us to step back when we're in the throes of our libido and say hey, there's a problem here.

Good things come to those who can wait. This isn't just a trite cliche. In a case like this, it could mean saving yourself a huge heartache.

(Tymber Dalton is a bestselling author and lifestyle BDSM switch. Her website is )

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Don't dis the kink.

"If you are going to mock me, at least get your facts straight." -- Sheldon Cooper, The Big Bang Theory (episode "The Einstein Approximation")

I want to state up front this is NOT an "author behaving badly" kind of reactionary post to a less than stellar review. I'm using this as an illustration to show how it never fails to amaze me how someone can "dis the kink" when they were the ones who didn't pay a whit of attention in the first place and probably don't know anything about it. And keep reading, because I do have a destination in mind for this rambling journey. I also know that to many of you, I'm preaching to the choir, so to speak, so thank you for indulging me.

One of my books has the following disclaimer clearly included (by my publisher) in the blurb:
Content Warning: Contains subject matter that might offend some readers—graphic language, explicit sex, mf sex, mmf ménage, mm sex, anal sex/play, sex toys, Femdom and Maledom BDSM practices, bondage, Domination/submission, Master/slave, spanking, impact play, humiliation, cuckolding, public exhibition, public sex, and piercing sarcasm.
I'd say that's pretty clear, no?

Here's a section of a reader review (and which the reviewer gave the lowest ranking available on the site):
 ...every one had certain needs that are not necessarily the "norm" in society but this just made me totally uncomfortable, threesomes OK, at little BDSM OK, role playing OK, but Master/slave, impact play and humiliation - no thanks.
Umm...okay. Sooo...why did you buy the book then? They ranked the book based on their personal prejudices, not on the quality of writing/editing or on the story. I use this illustration to make the following point, that just because someone else has a kink you don't like or agree with, as long as the participants are all consenting human adults, who cares? Would they have read the book at all had they known I was an active participant in the BDSM lifestyle?

A lot of people who participate in the lifestyle, willing participants and nice people who don't bother anyone, have to live in fear. They have to live in fear of being outed because of their family situations, jobs, school, or some other reason. This fear is driven due to people who, despite not understanding or agreeing with something, make no effort whatsoever to try to make allowances for people who have different interests than them.

That's what it boils down to, right?

What if I told you a man liked to go out every weekend, without his wife, and got together with a bunch of his friends. They got all hot and sweaty, piled on top of each other, grabbing and pulling at each other, then ended with a group naked shower.

Would that shock you?

What if I told you they were playing football.

Oh, so that's okay then?

It's the same kind of double standard some men have that two women together are hot, but two men together are an abomination against nature.

Um, WTF? Why is that? Why do some people close their brains?

What if I told you that one couple I know, who've been married for about fifty years, have also been involved in the BDSM lifestyle for almost the entire time? Obviously, they're happy doing what they're doing. They're happily married. They balance their kinky and vanilla lives. Should they be looked down upon for the fact that they have a D/s dynamic just because it's not someone else's gold standard?

Obviously, this kind of discrimination isn't unique to people who are into BDSM. The GLBT community has dealt with it forever, as have religious and racial sectors. Having to hide a part of who you are, regardless of the fact that it doesn't hurt anyone, just because of fears of how others will react.

Isn't it time that people learn to take a "live and let live" approach to life? Are we not adults?

Here's the truth of the matter: people into BDSM are no different than people who enjoy golfing every weekend, or people who enjoy going to NASCAR races, or people who build ships in bottles. They are doing something that they enjoy that's not hurting anyone. (Well, not hurting them without their permission.) It's not abuse if it's consensual. It's not sick or twisted or demented, any moreso than spending thousands of dollars collecting Beanie Babies or basket weaving supplies.

There are people out there into some kinks that are definitely NOT my own kinks. But that's okay, because I don't have to choose to play with them or even associate myself with them. No biggie. How they practice their kink in no way impacts my life anymore than some duffer hitting the links every Saturday at holy-crap-thirty in the morning. It doesn't make them less able to do their job. It doesn't make them bad parents or horrible people.

It just makes them different than me. Just like I'm different than you, and you're different than someone else.

Did you know in some countries, women can be beaten (or worse) for driving? They can be killed for leaving their houses if they aren't covered head to toe in fabric.

So isn't it kind of silly to look down on people who willingly participate in something that makes them happy? Especially if you don't even have all the facts straight about what you're judging them for? Maybe if everyone felt free to pursue their happiness without worrying about someone judging them, perhaps the world would be a happier place.

Something to think about.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

A submissive's perspective on a long distance relationship

A dear friend of mine agreed to let me interview her today for The Playroom. We met thanks to some on-line writing I’d done, and we’ve been friends ever since.  She is from Italy, so English is not her first language.

Ms. Hayes:            First of all, thank you for doing this. You and your Dom have a long distance relationship. Can you tell us how you two met? (I know I know this, but THEY don't)

Kim:                 (ehehehe. Ok)
Well, we met the first time when I was 15. He was 32 and we met during a convention about popular Art in Middle Age in Europe. He's from Russia, and between the many things he's he also is an expert in that field. I was captivated by him since the first moment. I could already speak Russian, and that's the reason my school chose me for the convention.
We started to spend a long time together, just talking about history and art, and studying his language better that I ever would with any other teacher. We spent a long time just talking most of the time. He was probably the first person ever to know me better then I knew myself. Nothing happened until I was 17. He's not a pervert or anything like that, and I'd like for people to respect that.
He already was in the lifestyle. But he never introduced me until he knew I was ready to come to him as his sub. And it was a long journey for me. A very long one. I always was and am a very independent person. I have a career that put me in charge of other people, and I had a very hard time realizing that I wanted to submit to him.
I spent more than 10 years to reach that realization. Jurij, my Dom, had to go back to Russia when I was 18, and for a lot of reasons, many of them related to the fact I had to finish school, and I still had to realize what I was and wanted, we separated, but never lost each other. We kept keeping in touch.

Ms. Hayes:            So it took you more than 10 years to realize that you wanted to be is submissive. Was there something that sparked this realization?

Kim:                 Yes, there was something. As it always happens, there are the small things that help you to realize something big. For me was reading a fanfiction and meeting the author of that story on a chat forum.
She basically realized I was having a lot of trouble with what I thought I wanted, and what I really wanted, and suggested that I to just talk to Jurij, and see if he could be the one owning the keys to unlock the cage I put myself into without even realizing it.

Ms. Hayes:            I’m assuming you took her advice. How did that go?

Kim:                 I called Jurij one night, without even realizing what I was doing until I heard his voice, and told him what I had in my mind. He stayed silent for a very long time, until I told him everything and when he finally spoke it was just to ask me one question, if I was sure I was ready for that. I answered him that in the chaos I had in my mind… To be with him, to be his sub, was the only thing that still made sense. Then he spoke again, just to tell me that it was a long time he was waiting for those words

Ms. Hayes:            Since you said he waited for over 10 years, I imagine he was wondering if they were every going to happen.

Kim:                 As I told you, Jurij was the first person who always knew me better than I know myself. He's in the lifestyle since he was 16, and he has a lot of experience both with subs and Doms who he trains.
He always knew I was a sub, even before I realized that about myself.

Ms. Hayes:             How long have you two been a D/s couple?

Kim:                 We are going to celebrate our first anniversary on Christmas.

Ms. Hayes:            Wow. It seems longer than that.

Kim:                 It feel like it is longer. Maybe because we know each other so well

Ms. Hayes:            You said he was from Russia. I know he still lives there and you live in Italy. How does that affect your relationship?

Kim:                 It's hard. It's very hard. Usually he's able to come in Italy and I'm able to go to Russia at least once every two months, but because of his job I know there are times when we can't see each other for very long periods of time, and that's usually very hard on both of us

Ms. Hayes:            Does the distance change the way you both live the lifestyle of Dom and sub at all?

Kim:                 No, not really. I still have his rules to follow, even if I tend to break the one about my sleep, due to my work, and my insomnia. And yes, I know he won't be happy about that when he'll be back. The only thing that really changes is that we can't play of course. But that doesn’t change how we feel for each other

Ms. Hayes:             You're right. He won't.
I know you said that you used to talk once a week during that 10 year+ time span. Do you still talk once a week or has that changed since your relationship began?

Kim:                 No, that changed. Now we talk once a day. And if he has a feeling I'm breaking his rule about sleep time, even more that that

Ms. Hayes:            Other than sleeping, what are some of the rules you have to follow?

Kim:                 I have rules about what I can or can't eat, and general behaving rules.

Ms. Hayes:            And how does he deal with you breaking a rule given he's so far away?

Kim:                 My Dom is a very powerful one. He has a way to make you wish you could disappear just using his voice. He deals with my slips with that, and I feel so ashamed I broke his rules and disappointed him that I try my best not to do that. But if I slip big time, he deals with that when we are together, and usually is not nice when he does that.

Ms. Hayes:            Do you ever regret having a Dom that lives so far away?

Kim:                 No, that would mean regretting choosing Jurij, and I'd never do that.

Ms. Hayes:            Do you two plan to continue long distance or do you eventually hope to live in the same country, city, or even location?

Kim:                 We are counting on living together soon.

Ms. Hayes:            I bet you are happy about that. Do you think it will be a huge adjustment to have him there all the time?

Kim:                 I think it'll be a bet. lol. I'm too used to my space to be an easy roommate.

Ms. Hayes:            a bet?

Kim:                 bet

Ms. Hayes:            just checking. lol

Kim:                 :)

Ms. Hayes:            If someone was considering a long distance D/s relationship, what advise would you give them?

Kim:                 Trust in what you have with your Dom or sub, and always talk to him or her to be sure that you are on the same page with everything. And if you are a sub, never let your Dom be oblivious if you are having a hard time or you have something in your mind who is bothering you. Silence is never the answer

Ms. Hayes:            Is there anything else you'd like to share?

Kim:                 No, not really. I'm very territorial. I don't like too much to share my Dom. Lol.

Ms. Hayes:            Hahaha. I'm sure you feel like you share him enough as it is.

Kim:                 That's damn right. :)

Friday, October 14, 2011

How many "flavors" of kink?

"I don't care if someone likes being dressed up like a refrigerator while a midget blows them and shoves bananas in their ass, as long as it makes them happy." - Mr. B.

The above quote is from my Sir. (Yes, I warned Him I'd be using it for a book at some point in time. LOL And no, you cannot use it. LOL) The context in which it was uttered was during a discussion the two of us were having about different kinks, preconceived notions, and the impact revelations could have on another person in a D/s relationship. It was triggered by a blog post I'd read, where the woman talked about something she and her Master hadn't done, but he'd once talked about doing. Then, when she'd sort of gotten in her head that while she wouldn't like doing the actual act, it was the act of doing it FOR him she'd like, he admitted in another conversation that one of her fears was valid, he might think less of her for doing it, hence he didn't want to actually DO it to her.

Did that make sense?

So I'd pointed out the blog in question to Sir, and the dialog that ensued between us was His reassurances that no matter what it was I wanted to do, as long as it was relatively safe and consensual (we've already tossed sane and totally safe out the window LOL) He would never think less of me for wanting to do it. And likewise, I know I would never think less of Him for wanting to do things. We both might come up with things we want to do that, for lack of time, money, equipment, or other resources, can't be done, or are just strictly fantasy ideas that we don't want to do in reality (but make for really hot scene discussions). Regardless, we have the respect and caring for each other that it's okay to be totally open and honest.

So having explained all that so you understand where the refrigerator comment is coming from, I use it to illustrate that just because YKINMK (Your Kink Is Not My Kink) doesn't mean there's anything "wrong" with it (as long as all the participants are consenting human adults).

Another seed this blog post sprouted from was a question from a fellow writer (who is involved in the lifestyle) asked on a board I'm on about reviewing a BDSM book that really didn't have BDSM in it, and what it did have...let's just say it was sloppy work on the part of the author of that book, because it was obvious they were neither involved in the lifestyle, nor did they do adequate research. And the author apparently took offense to a fair and not at all bad review, all things considered. (Authors behaving badly in response to reviews is a whoooooole 'nother blog topic I won't deal with today.) So the reviewer was asking how to handle the situation.

I know that a lot of readers--and this is NOT a slam--who read BDSM books aren't in the lifestyle. What they know of the lifestyle is mostly coming from what they read in fiction, or what they see on the internet. But let's face it, while I might be fascinated by a slice-of-life piece about a D/s couple who are 24/7 and not into sadism of any kind, someone not in the lifestyle who expects whips and chains and multiple forced orgasms might read it and not understand that "flavor" of non-vanilla.

I know, yes, in real life, people in the lifestyle who are on the mild end of the scale. To them, it's about the power exchange dynamic, it only happens in the bedroom, and it's about the sex. That's fine. Nothing wrong with that. I also know people, literally, in 24/7 relationships, where it's not just about the power exchange, but about sadism. That's fine, too. I know people who like to go to play parties and get beaten, and not be "Dominated." That's a valid kink. There is no "won twue way."

The basis of BDSM, regardless of what flavor it takes, is the trust bond between the participants. How deep this trust bond goes can range from, "I trust that when I get done beating you tonight, you won't be a douche tomorrow and call the cops," all the way to, "I trust that when you bind me and put me in those restraints and gag me and use a sharp knife on me, that you will neither harm me in a way that is beyond my limits, nor will you ignore me if I safeword and want to end the scene." So, in other words, the trust bond ranges from a handshake agreement all the way to, literally, trusting your health, life, and well-being to another person.

A lot of people think BDSM is all about sex, and while yes, sex is an important aspect for some participants, it's not the only aspect, or even the primary aspect to some people. I know people in the lifestyle who will to bottom to someone at a party, and no sexual contact will happen between the participants at all. I know some people who will play at a party and they get tied up and forced to orgasm, with no impact play. Again, there are wide varieties of flavors in this pornocopia of play. (Yes, that was on purpose.)

So to bring this around full circle, my point is that if you want to be involved in the lifestyle, be open. Be honest. And be non-judgmental. You don't have to like someone else's kink (again, I'm working on the consenting human adults premise). If you don't like it, you don't have to do it. But remember that just because you have an idea of what BDSM "should" be doesn't mean you know it all. (Especially if you aren't involved in the lifestyle.) I also know from personal experience, and from hearing it from other people, there are plenty of people out there scared to admit their true desires for fear of how their partner will react. For instance, how many times have you heard about straight guys who secretly desire anal play, but they're afraid that will "make them gay" or freak out their partner? Got a news flash for you, it's not unnatural, or else our bodies wouldn't be made to positively respond to the stimulus. Get over it, dudes. So you like your back door played with. Have at it, and don't deny yourself. You might be surprised to find your lady enjoys putting on a strap-on and reaming you out (while envisioning all the times you forgot to put your dirty clothes in the hamper).

If you're in a relationship, there should be a "safe place" provision, if nothing else, a designated time to say, "Okay, look, we can talk about these things, and some of them we might want to try, some of them we might not, and some of them might be left forever in the fantasy realm. But I won't think less of you for talking about it."

Because in all honesty, if you can't trust someone enough to TALK about stuff, how can you trust them with the important stuff?

And if they want a banana shoved up their ass, then I say by all means, go for it. Just don't forget to use a firm one and put a towel down first. And use loooots of lube. :)

(Tymber Dalton is a BDSM lifestyle switch and bestselling author. You can read more about her, including her latest releases, on her website at

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Wicked Wednesday: Negotiation Scene in Nobody's Angel

Welcome to another Wicked Wednesday with an exclusive excerpt from debut author Kallypso Masters, who shares a glimpse into how she works the art of negotiation into her more realistic BDSM romances.

One of the most important tools in a BDSM couple's repertoire--and sometimes the sexiest--is the art of negotiation. Maybe that's because the hottest sex organ is the brain, but it's not easy for everyone to talk about sex, fantasies, wants, needs, desires, limits--especially when they think their fantasies are a bit kinkier than their partner will accept or will want to try.

Listening without judging is a great way to encourage a partner to discuss what she or he wants to try. A little humor (if you aren't laughing AT someone, but just teasing a bit to coax more out of them) can help, as well. 

The Wikipedia entry on "Negotiation" states:

In the BDSM community, negotiation is a form of communication where participants make arrangements on each others' requirements, responsibilities, and limits to find the best possible agreement.

Activity within BDSM relationships requires trust, openness about most practices that may include risks. On the other hand, partners have certain needs which should be clearly defined in order to be properly satisfied. In this regard, negotiation is essential part not only when parties were not familiar with each other but also in case when partners have long-term relationships. [Much more information at this site on Negotiation.]

I love writing negotiation scenes in my BDSM erotic romances more than the sex scenes sometimes (even though I am told I write really hot, tender sex scenes, as well). But I'm all about writing the emotions of the relationship and sometimes it's much harder to bare your innermost needs and desires than it is to bare your body. (In fact, the scene excerpted below takes place several orgasms into the story Nobody's Angel. You see, negotiation doesn't end with one or two conversations at the beginning of the relationship or scene. It's also good to talk about the scene afterward to determine what worked, didn't work, and how the couple might want to try things the next time.) 

When a couple (or multiples) bring humor to the bedroom (or wherever they happen to be having their negotiations), it's just the cherry on top, in my opinion. I'm fascinated listening in on these conversations and seeing how they begin to get to know each other, find out what excites them about each other, learn what they'd like to try--or not try--sexually, and so on. 

Excerpt Setup: Sweet, overprotected Angelina has had a bad experience with BDSM where her trust was shattered and her safe word ignored, so Marc D'Alessio, at whose BDSM club the incident occurred, is trying to show her she shouldn't ignore her sexually submissive side. She just needs to find a responsible Dom who will earn her trust and treat her as she should have been treated. (Of course, he isn't interested in anything long-time. This is the former "Master Marco," after all, who looks at women as being laid out on his own private smorgasbord.) But for this one night, he has agreed to be Angelina's Dom to show her how BDSM can be with the right Dom/Top.

In this scene, Angelina reveals both a hard limit, as well as something she would like to experience that she witnessed at the Masters at Arms club before her abusive Dom shattered her trust and killed her fledgling interest in BDSM. As it turns out, Marc, her Dom for the night, is very happy to hear that's a limit, one he shares (even though he's still in denial about their relationship going beyond this night). She does not know that Marc was the Dungeon Monitor Supervisor who rescued her at the club or that he co-owners the club.

Excerpt from a Negotiation Scene from
Nobody's Angel (Rescue Me, Book #2)

Angelina’s heart thudded against her chest. What had possessed her to tell him something like that?

“Oh, cara. I can’t tell you how sorry I am that happened to you.” He held her tightly, placing his chin on the top of her head and enveloping her in his strength and warmth.

“Let’s put that fantasy and bad memory on the back burner for now. Tell me about another fantasy. One you haven’t experienced yet. Perhaps something you’ve read about…or even seen.”

“Um, there was this one time when…I was at a private club in Denver.”

“What kind of private club?”

Oh, she didn’t want to admit she’d gone to a kink club. “Um, one where adults…couples mostly…do...things to each other.”

“Just what kinds of things do they do?” She could have sworn by his voice he was smiling, but didn’t want to pull away from his comforting arms to confirm her suspicions. Just what did he find so funny?

She sighed. “Well, pretty much anything you can imagine.”

“I can imagine a lot, pet.”

Oh, damn it all, apparently the man had never been inside one before. He was going to think she was a slut, but obviously, she was going to have to tell him now. He was like a dog with a bone. “Promise you won’t think badly of me?”

“It’s rather difficult for me to promise when I don’t know what you’ve done yet.”

Well, what did she expect, unconditional love from a near stranger? One who happened to be cuddling her on his lap on the edge of her bed? Oh, Nonna. I hope you aren’t watching! Angelina decided to just spit it out.

“I…We were…in a kink club.” She held her breath and steeled herself.

“Ahhh, I see. What was it like?”

He certainly didn’t seem to be judging her. But he wanted her to talk about it? Oh, God. This just got worse and worse on the embarrassment scale.

“I didn’t see much.”

She realized she’d unbuttoned his shirt and her fingers played idly with the springy chest hairs in the vee of his shirt. She didn’t want him to think she’d gone to a sleazy one, though. “It seemed like a nice place. Karla, she was the club’s singer, was very kind to me after…well, later. She brought me home. And the club’s owner, Master Adam, was very nice, too.”

His hand stopped stroking her hair. “Were there any other nice people you met there?”

“No. Mostly I just watched.”

After a moment, his hand began stroking her again, but she felt tenseness in his body. Maybe he was judging her.

“What did you see?”

“There were several couples in the great room who were engaging in different…activities.”

“Which activities interested you?”

Her mind returned to the main room of the club where one of the Doms had caught her attention while Allen was filling out guest papers on her. The Dom wore a Harley-Davidson jacket with the tail of a dragon tattoo curled around his bicep, the rest of the mythical creature disappearing under the vest. Very lethal looking—both the dragon and the man, who held a coiled whip against his leather-clad thigh.

“There was a Dom with a whip.” She felt Marc’s body tense even more, but wasn’t sure if it was the mention of the Dom or the whip that bothered him. Well, he asked, so she was going to tell him what she liked. “Kneeling before him was a blonde woman who looked up at him adoringly, waiting for him to do…well, whatever he wanted to do, I suppose.” The man had a whip, for Christ’s sake!

“Did the whip excite you?”

She pulled out of his arms, bumping his chin against her head in her haste to get away, but she wasn’t going to let him get the notion she was into whips. “God, no! Don’t even go there!”

He relaxed visibly and smiled. “Duly noted, gattina.”

Angelina felt the tension leave her, as well, and took a deep breath, releasing it slowly. He seemed as relieved as she was, although she had no idea why.

“So, tell me what it was about the Dom/sub that interested you so much.”

She blushed. It was pretty lame as far as fantasies went, but she’d been so turned on by the two. “He put his middle finger deep into her mouth and, with the other fingers and the thumb of his hand, he…I guess you’d say caged her chin, forcing her mouth open.” Angelina felt herself getting wet just remembering. She shrugged and smiled.

“Do you know what it was about the scene that excited you?”

She shook her head. “I’m not sure. It just did.”

She lowered her gaze to his bare chest where her fingers were buried in the light sprinkling of his black chest hairs. She liked touching him. He waited, expecting more of an answer, she supposed.

“The woman’s expression was…well, she looked up at him with such, I don’t know the word—adoration maybe? Devotion? Trust?” She swallowed. “Or maybe it was the way he took control of her mouth like that. Of her.” She shivered. “I don’t know, but it blew me away.”

Marc’s gaze went to her mouth and Angelina’s clit throbbed in response as if he’d taken control of her mouth the way the tatted Dom had done with the blonde at the club. She squirmed on his lap. Her gaze locked on his mouth. She wanted him to kiss her again, only rougher than he’d kissed her last night.

Kallypso Masters' first two books in the Rescue Me series are available at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Smashwords, All Romance e-Books, Kobo, and coming soon to BookStrand. You can find Kally online at:


Interview with Stephan Coleman - Dom from Slave, Finding Anna Book 1

I look down at my watch. Nine fifty-eight. I wonder if he’ll be on time.

Just as that thought crosses my mind, I hear the elevator ding, and the doors open. Moments later, a young man who looks to be in his mid twenties walks into the small office where I’m waiting. His dark hair and lanky build confirm that this is who I’ve been waiting for. Stephan Coleman.

He sees me and stops. “Who are you?”

“My name is Mary.”

He doesn’t move, just keeps staring at me.

“Ms. Hayes asked me to conduct the interview today. She had something come up at the last minute, and couldn’t be here.”

He remains where he is.

There is a second when I think he might just turn around and walk back out the door, but then he walks a few more feet and takes a seat in the plush chair across from me.

“First of all, Stephan, thank you for taking the time to talk to me today. I know the readers appreciate it.”

“You’re welcome,” he said, sitting back in his chair, still obviously uncomfortable with the situation. 

I waited for him to say more, but he doesn’t. Okay then…

“I know all the readers are wondering how Brianna’s doing? Ms. Hayes said you were reluctant to leave her today.”

“I’m always reluctant to leave her,” he states. “I’m not sure that will ever change. As for how she is…she’s as well as she can be. There really isn’t a straightforward answer to that question. This morning she was…pensive.”


“She had a rough night.”


His eyebrows rose in annoyance. “Why don’t you ask Ms. Hayes. She’s the one who wrote the book. She knows how she left things. How do you think Brianna is dealing with that?”

“Oh yeah. Sorry,” I said sheepishly. “She did sort of leave you both hanging didn’t she?”

“Hm,” he says, but leaves it at that.

I decide maybe its better to move on with the interview. “Why don’t we start by you telling everyone a little about yourself. Not everyone has read Slave, Finding Anna Book 1 yet.”

“I’m twenty-four years old, live in Minneapolis, Minnesota, and I’m CEO of The Coleman Foundation.”

“And you’re a Dom,” I added.

He smirked. “Yes, I am.”

“One of the readers wanted to know what the allure of BDSM is for you.”

“BDSM brought control back into my life. After my parents died I wasn’t exactly a model teenager. I was lost in a lot of ways. I felt as if I had no control over my life and acted out trying to find it. Being a Dom fulfilled that need for control I have. Plus, seeing a woman on her knees, looking up at you, trust in her eyes, waiting to please you…there is nothing better.”

I definitely knew the appeal of having someone kneeling at your feet, even though I preferred male subs. As he said, there really is nothing better. “Do you ever like not being in control?”

“That depends. Typically, no, I don’t, but in every day life sometimes it’s required. It’s impossible to control everything all the time.”

“Have you ever subbed for someone then?”


“Care to elaborate?” He’s apparently not a big talker. I have no idea how Ms. Hayes manages to get anything out of him if he’s like this with her.

Stephan shifted his weight, and smirked at me again. “As part of my training, I subbed once for my Mentor, Daren. It was difficult. I didn’t enjoy it. And it’s not something I would want to do again. Is that what you wanted?”

“Yes,” I smiled. “Thank you.” Looking back down at my notes I continued. “When did you realize you wanted to be a Dom?”

He was quiet for several minutes, but I could tell he was thinking. “I don’t recall an exact moment in time. It was more of a process. My freshman year of college was rough. If not for rooming with Daren my sophomore year, I’m not sure I would have made it through all four years.”

“Why is that? What changed? And we still don’t know how you became a Dom,” I made sure to point that out.

“One question at a time,” he said leaning forward onto his elbows. “I was having difficulty because, as I said earlier, my way of trying to control my environment back then was to act out. Not the smartest thing, but it was all I had at the time.”

“So you were a troublemaker?” I asked, trying to clarify. It was hard to picture the man in front of me as anything less than totally put together and in command of his surroundings.

“No. I did, however, put just about everything ahead of my schooling. I rarely went to class. I never studied. My time was spent partying and chasing woman.”

“So you lacked focus.”

“No,” he said again. “I had a focus. It just wasn’t getting me where I needed or should be going.”

“What do you mean?”

“I was angry and hurt when my parents died. I suppose you could say I was trying to get back at the world,” he shrugged.

“What changed?”

He laughed. It was a full belly laugh, and it threw me a little. He came across as a very serious individual. “I’d been living with Daren for about a month when my laptop died on me. Daren offered the use of his. His screen saver was a picture of his girlfriend bound and gagged to his bed.”

Oh this was interesting. “What did you think when you saw it?”

“I didn’t know what to think, only that I couldn’t get the image out of my head. Finally I asked him about it. The rest just sort of happened.”

“Oh no. You can’t just leave it at that!” I said, sitting up in my chair.

Stephan gave a sly smile “Why not?”

“Because the readers want to know. What happened when you asked him about it?”

He just sat there not saying anything, watching me. His fingers came together to form a point, and he began tapping them together. “He answered my questions, but didn’t go into detail. The next day when I came home from one of the rare classes I attended, Daren and his girlfriend were there. She was kneeling on the floor in nothing but her panties.”

I waited for him to go on, but he didn’t. “What did you do?”

“Nothing at first. But when Daren realized I wasn’t going to run, he picked up a flogger and began using it on her. After the first few hits, he started talking, telling me what he was doing as he was doing it, and why. I was fascinated. The sight of her sitting there and obviously enjoying what he was doing to her had me mesmerized. Even with him talking to me, the two seemed to have a sort of connection that I’d never seen before. It excited me.” He seemed lost in his memories, so I remained silent waiting for him to finish. “It became a sort of ritual, and before I knew what was happening, I began to look forward to coming back from class and finding them. It didn’t take long for Daren to start including me once he realized I was interested. Sometimes I think I learned more outside of the classroom during my college days than I did inside of it,” he chuckled.

“It sounds like quite the introduction to the lifestyle. Do you ever regret it?”

“No,” he answers, and I can tell there is no doubt present.

I nod, and decide it’s time to get back to my list. “Another reader question. ‘Even with Brianna being a terribly injured and troubled soul, how are you restraining yourself when you so clearly want her?’”

He sighed and sat back in his chair. “I ask myself that same question on a daily bases, but in the end the answer is the same. I can’t bring myself to harm her more. Until she is ready for more, if that ever happens, I will continue to endure what I have to. I care too much for her to do anything else.”

I couldn’t help but smile at his response. He smiles back.

Looking down at my notes again, I find a more business related question to ask. “How did you become so successful in business at such a young age?”

Stephan gets a distant look on his face. “After my parent’s death, The Coleman Foundation became mine. At fourteen, I was too young to run it properly, so my aunt and uncle found a temporary CEO until I graduated from college and could take over.”

“Do you enjoy what you do?”

“For the most part, yes. I like helping people. The foundation gives me that opportunity. Unfortunately, I rarely get to see those we help.” Before I can ask any more questions, he looks down at his watch. “I need to go.”

I look down at my own watch and realize that almost an hour is past. How did that happen?

“Brianna?” I ask, knowing by the look on his face that it could be nothing else. He clearly cares for her deeply.


“Alright. Well thank you for answering some of the reader’s questions. I know they appreciate it.”

“You’re welcome,” he smiles before getting up to leave. “If you have anymore, you know how to reach me.”

I hope you all enjoyed the interview with Stephan. He and Brianna have a long way to go, so I’m sure this won’t be the last time we hear from him. :)

If you'd like to find out more about Stephan and Brianna go to