Friday, July 25, 2014

BDSM vs Abuse

My friend and fellow writer Tara Rose as a great blog post today, in the wake of the trailer for 50 Shades of Grey hitting the wires, about BDSM vs abuse and how to tell the two apart. Definitely one you want to check out.

Monday, July 14, 2014

Yet another one where I take on radical feminists' views about BDSM.

Oh, look. Someone on the Interwebz is having a butthurt cow about consensual BDSM practices. It's an older article, but one I was only pointed toward just today.


Here's my response to them, because I seriously doubt they'll let my comment stand, because, idunno, LOGIC HURTZ.


Equating the 50 Shades books and porn films to real-life consensual, healthy BDSM practices is the equivalent to saying that pedophillic priests means all Catholics, including parishioners, should be put in jail for child abuse.

Seriously, that's the kind of faulty logic you all are engaging in here.

There are still parts of the world where people are MURDERED for being gay. THAT is a serious cause to go after, not pillorying people who are in healthy BDSM dynamics. And yet you take a tiny, unrealistic subset of a very large population and say THIS IS THE TRUTH ABOUT BDSM, when, in fact, it's not.

Have any of you ever had sex in any way other than the missionary position? Have any of you ever willingly been blindfolded or *gasp* tied up during sex?

If yes, then you have no room to point fingers at those of us who do CONSENSUALLY practice healthy BDSM.

If you gasped in horror that I suggested such a thing, perhaps you all really need to take a harder look at your own stunted sexual practices.

You don't get to determine how consenting adults practice their sexuality. Period. Full stop. Just because it's not YOUR cuppa doesn't mean you get the right to take that cup from someone else. I couldn't care less about how you practice your sexuality, so why should you concern yourself about how I practice mine? Do you really have that much free time on your hands?

Are there abusers and assholes in BDSM? Yes, there are. But there are also assholes and abusers in the vanilla world, too.

The fact that the latest version of the DSM has depathologized BDSM should tell you that your heads are stuck in the past and deep in the sand.

You don't have a right to say how I, or how ANYONE ELSE, practices our sexuality. You don't. If people are consenting adults, let them do what they want to do in the bedroom. Yes, you are being hypocritical. We are at a time now where women get to decide how to express their sexuality. If it's not the way YOU want them to express it, well, I guess it sucks to be you then, doesn't it?

Just the fact that you're couching your post in terms like "patriarchal rape culture" shows your bias and lack of empathy for people who are different than you.

And FYI, I am a woman who, while I identify as a Dominant in nearly all areas of my life, is also a collared slave who switches with the man I'm collared to. Oh, and he's not my husband--we're poly. (Suck on that fact, too, while you're at it.) I am not being "abused." I am not being "harmed." I dare say that I have done more personal recovery, and healed more from my PTSD from a previous relationship, since finding BDSM than I did before. I have empowered myself in ways you apparently aren't even capable of conceiving, based on your biased report.

Instead of making wide-sweeping, ignorant statements based on some extremely UNrealistic examples at best, and horrific and non-representative examples at worse, how about getting to actually, oh, I don't know, MEET and TALK to people who engage in healthy BDSM dynamics, instead of treating us like we have cooties.

(Tymber Dalton is a real-life practitioner of BDSM, and the author of over sixty books.

Friday, May 16, 2014

Consensual non-consent, rape play, and stay the hell out of my bedroom.

Cara Sutra has THE best blog I've ever read about summarizing CNC (consensual non-consent play, AKA rape play) in BDSM. DEFINITELY a must-read.

You can take my rape fantasy when you non-consensually prise it from my kink dependent mind.

The point being many of us in BDSM ENJOY this kind of play. Speaking to the nay-sayers who think we're "wrong" for enjoying this kind of play: You don't know what our backgrounds or experiences are, so you have no RIGHT to dictate to us, CONSENTING ADULTS, how we express ourselves through our sexuality. You don't get to homogenize us to fit YOUR mold.


Those two words right there mean a full-stop period end to any objections anyone might have. Let's break it down further, shall we?

CONSENT. It means the people (both  sides of it) engaging in the play are CONSENTING.

ADULTS. Meaning a human person of legal age and able to give consent to such play.

I'm NOT saying people who don't enjoy this kind of play should do it. Not at all. But for a group of people to scream that it's "wrong" to do it, when consensually enjoying is, for some, a way to RECLAIM and SELF-DEFINE their own sexuality and sexual expression, that's like the people saying it's wrong are victimizing people all over again.

As long as people are CONSENTING ADULTS, no one has a right to shame them into what they should or shouldn't do in terms of their sexuality.


Two words. Two VERY powerful words that many people try to overlook to create wacky, off-the-wall and totally irrelevant arguments against CNC play. Like trying to equate it to pedophiles or bestiality. Um, NO. Again, CONSENTING ADULTS. Kids are neither ADULTS nor CONSENTING. Animals are neither (human) ADULTS nor CONSENTING.

If it's not your kink, GREAT! You don't have to do it! But for those of us in BDSM who enjoy it, don't try to shame us and further victimize us. In a real situation, let's just say I have a concealed carry permit, 'kay? But with Sir, CONSENSUALLY, it's play I enjoy. Why? Because I trust him and I know that if something went south, physically, mentally, or emotionally, all I have to do is safeword and boom, play stops. (That's the CONSENT part.) I'm an ADULT. Sir's an ADULT. We're quite capable of figuring out what we do and don't want to do.

What two consenting adults do between them is NOT any reflection upon ANY experience anyone else has had. It's NOT "victimizing" anyone else. It's NOT a slam to any victim of a crime. It's NOT.

YKINMY. Your Kink Is Not My Kink. Pure and simple. Trying to equate a consensual act between two people with a non-consensual crime is like trying to say that people shouldn't be allowed to drive cars anymore because some asshole hit your car with his. There is no cause-and-effect here. The two are linked in some ways for SOME people, yes. But the private play that people engage in does NOT create acceptance for the non-consensual crime. It doesn't.

*deep breath*

Sorry, didn't mean to put on my ranty pants there, but now that they're on, at least I got that out.

(Tymber Dalton is the author of The Reluctant Dom and other books. Her website is

Thursday, November 28, 2013